PLOT TWIST — Not so new anymore.

Embarking on this piece, I’m aware that some individuals might be chuckling, assuming I’m here to assert the impossibility of finding joy in loving someone who doesn’t reciprocate. I assure you, that’s not my intention.

Contrary to the dramatic title, let me clarify — it’s not impossible.

(See how strict the above paragraphs look? Yes,that’s the intention)

Back to the reason for this piece.

Remember how I implied this man that my heart longed for (I’m being intentionally dramatic) was an high achiever? (He is.)

Seeing him do stuff, achieve stuff was endearing, motivating and every word that inspires really. He just exuded that aura of inspiration and that is a good thing because like I said, I can atleast make sure I’m impacted in a positive way by him.

So I was walking down commercial road in Unilag on the 8th of January, first day of resumption in the new year and my mind was idle. That was my first mistake.

An idle mind is the devil’s workshop afterall.

A phrase dropped in my mind as I walked and stared at the banners indicating the convocation was coming up and it was this: “I’m undeserving of his love”.

At first, I shut it out because no. If you know me well enough, then you know I make intentional efforts to not have thoughts that depicted a poor sense of my self value.

But see where it gets worse, I somehow managed to find logic in thinking I was undeserving of his love.

I talked to myself and my friend who was walking with me and I said, “If I were him and I had everything I had with a plan of how I’d like my life to go, I’d most likely not go for someone like me”.

I have no idea if I was trying to make myself feel better but till this moment, that is what I think.

And definitely not in a “low self esteem” way. It’s just that I think people are on different wavelengths in life and there are some people who atleast have some sense of what they want out of life that it’d be hard for them to see you the way you see them.

Think about it.

I found him inspiring. He’s impacted me in some way. Ofcourse there’s a reason for my attraction. What reason would he have to reciprocate that?

(Ik this might sound pathetic but it’s not how I see it. It’s just my very harsh reality)

I’m a great person, I’m a terrific writer and a hardworking one at that but I’m not on his level and maybe now it hurts and it’s slightly depressing (the love is now killing me because I could be doing better for myself really).

I’m getting to the main point.

If I was doing better than I was at the moment which I could be if I had been serious, It’d be easier to come to the conclusion that I’m just not the one.

If I had ticked the box of becoming the best version I could be at this moment in my life, I wouldn’t have to worry about this but here I am.

I’m getting to my point.

Today, I came to an insane realization. A moment of self awareness.

The achievements of people around me makes me feel bad about myself. It makes me feel like i’m doing nothing with my life.

And it takes me back to what I said earlier.

If I was at the peak level attainable for someone my age (ceteris paribus), I do not think other people achieving stuff would make me feel bad about myself.

I feel this way because deep within my heart, I know I could be doing better.

I know that I’m trying and I will continue to try and i’m not in any way useless but I still feel that way.

Either way, I want to stop feeling this way.

I want to be able to see other people win and be happy for them and let it end there.

Not me feeling happy for them and then feeling sad that i’m not achieving or can’t achieve what they have.

So what’s my point?

My point is that I think it’s a great ability to be able to not let yourself or your esteem be affected negatively when you see other people doing much better than you.

And you should try your possible best, put in your maximum effort to make sure that you’re at the best place you can possibly be at whatever point in your life.

Let me give an example so you understand; If you saw someone with a 5.0 CGPA and you feel sorry for yourself, I think you wouldn’t if you know you put in the effort to be at where you are. If you have a 3.9 CGPA and you know that you could have put it more effort in the past and be in a better place in that moment, seeing the other person would make you feel sad for yourself.

The achievement of others makes you see yourself for what you truly are. An underachiever 🤡 (I’m the same as you all, Dw)

So what are we going to do?

Work so hard that when we’re not getting the things we want, we’re a 100% sure it’s not because we didn’t put in the effort or work for it.

Happy New Year 2.0 ❤️