New me, really.
The start of this might seem like i’m rambling but that’s just because I’m trying to decide whether to start with a song that resonated with me through the year or a book.
I’m currently listening to “not about angels” by birdy and I think I’ll go with starting with that (you can plug yourself in as you read too although it might limit your ability to properly understand everything i’m about to unload)
So, 2023….. What a year.
I was in love twice this year. I mean, love that makes your heart physically ache and fills your mind with thoughts of them.
Not “like”.
LOVE.
I liked a lot of people, and by that I mean I felt a level of attraction to them.
But by love, I mean these 2 people randomly popped up in my head and the thought of not being with either of them (I wasn’t in love with them at the same time o) made me want to go mad (key word being “made”).
SHORT BREAK: I feel like i’m about to turn this into a piece about my love life but it’s still a part of me so I guess it doesn’t matter?
As I was saying, there’s a part in this birdy’s song that says “how unfair, it’s just our luck (my spotify shuffle just changed to a gospel song. Sighs.) found something real that’s out of touch”.
Let me explain it this way.
I started this year in a relationship with someone I really loved. Head over heels in love. Words cannot explain it so I won’t try too hard. We broke up in May and I do not know if i’m happy that we ended peacefully.
Do you know how painful it is to have to do without someone you’re so used to not because one of you cheated or did something bad but because you’re simply not compatible?
How am I supposed to move on knowing that this person is a good person and never did anything to intentionally hurt me? (i moved on though)
I did move on not because it was easy but because someone else caught my attention (It’s actually because I started my journey of intentionality and in this case, intentional healing)
Anyways, I didn’t think that could happen (not that I didn’t think I could love again) but I didn’t think I could love someone more than I loved my ex.
But I did and it was painful to go through (still going through it but it’s peaceful now)
Painful because it wasn’t reciprocated. But along the journey of navigating my emotions and being intentional, it dawned on me that I was a shameless lover. I formed my love theory(might’ve been formed by someone somewhere)and It is that it doesn’t matter that my feelings aren’t being reciprocated.
“Love just because you can”
- Adunni
I was happy to be in love with him. It became easier to bear the burden of one sided love. I stopped expecting him to reciprocate.. I was just quietly in love with him and by quietly, I don’t mean in hiding but in not expecting much. He knew fully well I had feelings for him . I wasn’t hiding it from him.
I talked to him whenever he found the chance to talk to me. My chest stopped hurting whenever he aired my messages. I stopped being sad that he never said he liked me too. If I find someone else where it would work out, great but I wasn’t going to beat myself up just because it wouldn’t work out with this particular person.
I intend to be in love with him for as long as I want to.
I’m just happy to be here , y’all 🤣
That’s shameless love. And who cares really? That’s what I learned.
Why should I be ashamed that I want someone and they don’t want me? Why? Answer the question if you can.
A part of me also thinks it might have to do with the kind of person he is, a lot of milestones I scaled through this year were impacted him. Directly and indirectly.
He’s a very disciplined person (at such a young age) and it’s so inspiring. (Infact, maybe I love him because he’s the perfect picture of what I aspire to be).
Carol Dweck said something in her book “mindset”, she said “the view you adopt for yourself profoundly affects the way you lead your life.” and whatever I felt for him made me see that I do not want to be the person who cries about unreciprocated love. I can change the way I choose to interpret the entire situation so it doesn’t affect me negatively.
Me of a year ago would be depressed because a boy I liked didn’t like me back. Talmabout growth.
He suggested the book to me btw🤭.
During the course of the year, I also had to write a poetry collection for a fellowship I got accepted into. The book was going to be published and it was supposed to touch on anything that could spark change. I thought to write (because that’s what i do best). I had too little time to write a novel so I opted to do poetry. I picked 4 social issues (domestic violence, poverty, drug abuse and sexual abuse).
In the process of writing, I got stuck at “drug abuse”. I couldn’t for the life of me think of what to write and guess what I did?
I went to him.
Thinking about it now, why did I go to him?
Was it because he was the only thing occupying my mind and I wanted to tell him everything going on with me or was it because I genuinely thought he could help because he’s so smart 😭
Sha, I went to him and he advised me to watch documentaries on drug abuse on youtube.
I did exactly that and infact I found something that inspired my pieces on drug abuse.
I discovered Dr Gabor Mate and his approach to people struggling with substance abuse and it was up from there.
Here’s the link if you’d like to read the poetry collection ( I think it’s called an anthology but i’m too far gone fr): https://selar.co/w01951
Going forward, in the eagerness of telling him everything I was going through.. I had just gotten rejected by the DSA to use my school’s sports center for my upcoming sports festival.
The manner of rejection was embarassing and annoying and I vowed to not go back.
I did go back even though I thought there was no point anymore.
I went back because he gave logical reasons as to why I should and I got the space.
Do you see how a love story connects every other part of my life in 2023?
Maybe that’s why it’s so easy for me to overlook the fact that my feelings aren’t reciprocated. (Maybe)
But my point is that it’s so easy to deny yourself of every good thing that you could derive from a particular situation or person just because you’re not getting the main thing you want.
For example, You apply. for a job and what you wanted was a salary of 500k but they’re offering 400. I’m not saying you shouldn’t know your worth but why deny yourself of that if there’s other things you could get from accepting the role (like experience). And to think that getting the job doesn’t stop you from looking for another.
People come and go.
Situations arise.
But one thing remains, you. (Except you die lmao)
The situations, the people, shouldn’t have the power to affect how your life goes except you choose to give them that power.
You can’t control who you fall in love with or who you like but you can definitely control how you respond to it. I’m a living testimony lmao.
I promise you, it’s not beyond you to stop letting that boy ruin your mental health🫶
And it’s not beyond you to stop letting that bad occurence ruin your day.
There’s alot of fishes in the sea like they say (be it a job, a man, whatever)
And if fishes go extinct, there’s a lot of rats running around👍
I wrote this hastily because I honestly don’t have enough time and I promised my fans (🙃) to deliver something on how my year went and a story before the year ends.
The story might not be possible anymore though but dw, i’ll be back.
Now, back to Birdy as I cry about finding love that’s out of touch. (I actually dance to this song like I just won a lottery lmao)
Happy New Year from me and my Goat!
